A few days ago, I decided to get back to being nice to my dear dear blog inspiration (read as: ex-best bitchy friend), so I called her up, and we began our random chit-chat good for nothing conversations.
(Somehow, I'm in a 'conversation-typing' mood off late)
Character list:
Nut Case (pain-in-the-ass) = My 'best' friend
Pea Brain = Guy who asked her out
Me = Blog Writer (like you wouldn't know)
Nut Case: (with perfectly fake enthusiasm) OMG! Hi! Where have you been? Very busy and all, haan?
Me: (with much more perfectly fake enthusiasm) Oh! Nothing much, I've been busy (yeah right), playing and enjoying vacation and all..
Nut Case: (disappointed) Oh..... Okay...... You know what! 'Pea Brain' actually asked me out!
Me: (in utter disbelief) No way!
Nut Case: (gloating with pride) Yeah he did, he has been asking me out since so long, but I kept refusing him, you know, I've been so busy with work and the shifts have been so tiring, but it looks bad to keep refusing na like that, so I thought I'll go out with him...
Me: Yeah....
Nut Case: (flying on cloud nine) Its nothing much actually, we're just going to Bandra, or maybe we'll go to a shopping mall, or Cafe Coffee Day, the one by the beach....
Then later, we might just sit on the beach and talk, you know, the casual stuff....
Me: Yeah and...
Nut Case: (excitedly) and you know, that beach is so famous! We might even see a few film stars there! I'm so excited....
Me: Oh wow! (duh!)
Nut Case: (blushing uncontrollably) and you know what he said??
Me: err... no. What did he say?
Nut Case: (flying again) He said, that we won't travel by train, because he wants to see me all the time, and if we travel by train, then for one hour, he will be in the gents compartment, and I will be in the ladies na.... so he won't get to look at me, can you believe he said that! I was so embarrassed! (giggle giggle)
Me: Wow! He's really head over heels....
Nut Case: Oh! I'm getting another call, I'll call you in a while.... bye!
Me: Bye..
(two days later - Saturday - day of the date)
(my phone rings)
Me: Hello
Nut Case: (excitedly) HI!
Me: (damn!) Oh! Hi Nut Case.....
Nut Case: (giggles) Hi!
Me: You didn't come out yesterday? We expected you to be there...
Nut Case: Oh I was out shopping, I bought this new pair of corduroy pants, but the shade was too light, so it wouldn't go with anything, so I went to exchange them....
Me: Oh ok ok! Cool.. Sooooo you exchanged them?
Nut Case: Ya ya! You know what?
Me: Nope.....
Nut Case: He called up again, to confirm, if we were still going out!
Me: Wow!
Nut Case: He said Bandra would be too far, so we'll go someplace close...
Me: Oh (trying not to sound very disinterested) So you decided what you're gonna wear?
Nut Case: No No! This isn't a date or anything, I'll just pick something up from the cupboard and wear.... (yeah sure you will)
You know, he called up last night, from his friend's cell! His battery was low...
And he called in the morning also!
Me: Oh wow!
Nut Case: I thought I'll just call up and tell you, since you seemed really inquisitive....
Me: (wtf!) I sounded inquisitive???!
Nut Case: (matter-of-fact type tone) Yeah, so I just thought I'd tell you....
Me: (very bluntly) I wasn't inquisitive.....
Nut Case: Hey I gotta go now, I'll call back later, chal bye, take care....
Me: Bye
(drops dead)
Note to readers: Its Tuesday, the date hasn't happened yet......
There are sooo many evil, cruel, inhuman things we can do to the evil, cruel, inhuman people we know, who do evil, cruel, inhuman things to people (like us), who only think about doing evil, cruel, inhuman things to them (whew).
In the beginning, (this is not a fairy tale) when my "best friend" used to do all the unbearably "nice" and "helpful" things for me, I used to forgive her, hoping she would grow up someday. Kids are immature, and some of them never really grow out of their immaturity (ever), and need (rather crave) attention to help them feel secure. (ho-hum)
You know, maybe if I was a psychiatrist, I might have given a sensible, rational (not to forget utterly boring) lecture like that, but I'm not - so, in recent times, like that episode where I threw her in that awkward position, I haven't been forgiving her, and it hasn't gone unnoticed.
Hmmm, my object of concern (is her obviously, but still read ahead) is that, she hasn't tried any new tactics off late. She has stuck to her "be-wolf-in-sheep's-clothing" routine. Oh lemme explain the "be-wolf-in-sheep's-clothing" routine (for those who are visiting this place for the first time) :
"be-wolf-in-sheep's-clothing" Tactic 1:
Show false concern for "victim" (me me me me me) in front of friends.
"be-wolf-in-sheep's-clothing" Tactic 2:
Dress like a whore. Works like magic.
"be-wolf-in-sheep's-clothing" Tactic 3:
Interrupt (rather disrupt) any conversation, between "victim" and her friends whom you want to grab.
"be-wolf-in-sheep's-clothing" Tactic 4:
Embarrass "victim" about her lack of knowledge about make-up, (unreasonably expensive) brands, shoes, clothes, shopping malls, shopping malls, shopping malls and shopping malls.
"be-wolf-in-sheep's-clothing" Tactic 5:
Always act "innocently" dumb, so that the guys find your dumbness greater than their dumbness, hence making them feel better about themselves.
Now back to the topic. She has not done something cruel and new off late. (Now you would say, "Isn't that a GOOD THING??". Then I'd say, "DIE DUMBO" and it would go on like that forever.) I won't believe she has run out of cruel creativity, but I'm a bit worried .... make that.. I'm scared half to death wondering what she is gonna come up with! Its like the calm before the storm, like that part in the movie "volcano" where everything goes death quiet, and then molten lava ends up frying half the city's population to a crisp. Yeah! thats exactly what I'm talking about...
All I can do is wait and watch, for my inspiration to the next blog to come along.
(I know the ending sucks, but I'm suffering from "huh-what-to-write-now" attacks due to extra stress, I wonder whats stressing me out ....)
The sweetest of human species and the sickest of human species come under the same category - girls for sure! I don't get it with these weird creatures, there's nothing human about them (the sick ones, I mean), they're goddamn parasites that sink they're teeth on the actually human female species and even manage to make it look good.
Plagues, leprosy, even AIDS may get eradicated by miraculous breakthroughs in science and medicine, but even a nuclear disaster can't rid this planet of those parasitic bitches. (all ye female dogs, no offence meant)
Yes, tis another session of 'bitch about my favorite bitchiest bitch (er... sorry I menat best) friend'.
This time, she played her cards so well, I didn't even know what hit me, how it hit me, when it hit me (yeah, but I do know why it hit me, its beacuse I'm a freaking soft hearted moron who falls for sad, stupid, fake stories and crocodile tears, and uselessly good at heart) but it hit me, and it hit me good!
I had begun to avoid her (successfully) but she needed me to get back on the scene (and into the guys' good books). So she acted her usual cheap lowlife self, and went and complained to one of the guys in the group, (who takes most of her nonsense like it were dew from heaven) about me avoiding her, and not telling her about group meetings abd stuff like that (group meetings sounds all flashy and fancy and all, but I don't wnt to make us sound like the complete lifeless losers that we are), and avoiding her calls, etc etc etc.
Now I remember telling her quite clearly, that I would give her a missed call when I left to meet our friends, and when I left, I gave her a missed call, and she even missed called back, (kinda acknowledged my missed call kinda thing) and we landed at the rendezvous point, an she was her usual sulky sympathy seeking leechy self, and it wasn't working in her favour (for a change).
So this guy comes and tells me all about it the next morning (today) and I be miss goodie two shoes and call her up n talk nice n sweetly to her, and make up etc etc. but I was mad as hell, as mad as 'Loony' without 'Toons', as mad as 'Dexter' without 'Lab', as mad as Chapell and Ganguly must be at each other.
So I have this real good guy friend in our group (no there isn't anything cooking between us) so I decided to tell him my side of the story, and he completely takes her side. He even goes ahead to compliment the way she dresses (she dresses like a s***, believe me, if she could show more than she already does, she would shamelessly). But what the heck, he's a guy, and the fewer the clothes, the more the popularity & sympathy & fame. He even went ahead and told me that she is only insecure, and thats why she behaves like that, (yeah, maybe she got clothophobia - or some unidentified allergy to morals - or maybe the black hole sucked up her conscience when she was born) and that I should help her with that. (poooh!)
Bottom line: She stole one of my best friends from me, she is gonna pay !
By the way...........
Morals of the story:
Wear fewer clothes to gain public sympathy.
Morals belong with the dodos and T-Rex.
Do you know why the ‘evil step sisters’ always get away with the crap they put ‘sweet innocent’ little girls like us through, without a scratch? Its because, we’re always too busy being sweet and innocent.
My (so called) ‘best friend’ loves to brag; right from shoes to bags to clothes to fancy restaurants to fancier guys in her life. And she makes it a point to make sure that I feel ugly, lifeless, worthless and useless. I’ve always longed to get back at her, one way or the other, but in the end I always end up being the sweetheart that I am and forgiving her.
(A better explanation would be, I don’t have what it takes to stand up to her and say, “You’re a bitch, you goddamn bitch! You wouldn’t mind sleeping with the milkman if he’d give you a discount of 5 bucks per litre! I wouldn’t even run you over with my tricycle, because my tricycle wouldn’t wanna touch you with the end of a sticky stick!”)
The problem was, that she made me feel miserable so well, that no one but another girl, could tell, that she’s doing it on purpose.
Today was a regular day, when she began to blow her big fat stinky trumpet, about this hot guy in college, who everyone else wants to date, but he showers her with all the attention in the world. (Yeah I’ve seen this guy, and if you’d ask my opinion, I’d rather date Brutus from the Popeye Show.) And she began going ‘paa-paaa-paaaa’ about this sweet guy from our group, (who had a major, huge, big time crush on her, and I suppose he still does) and he dropped her home last night, and even offered to pick her up everyday, (since madame lives on mount Everest and has to scale ice clad mountains to get to our meeting place and back home *sheeesh*)
[Okay, a little fact file, background information time: The guy in question is a pet, but he, like most guys, has fallen in head over heels in love with her. I guess its because its of her ‘inner’ beauty, little of which is on display everyday, yes even in this shivering cold season of winter. And I know that she is just using him as a means of transport, and the moment she gets better transportation facilities, she’ll dump him and jump onto the next fancy ride available.]
Now that kinda ticked me off. You see, as long as someone messes around with my tinee winee brain, its ok, no issues, my brain is all your to play around with, the worst I can do is run off crying. BUT! When anyone, and I mean ANYONE, messes around with my friends, I’m all up in arms, with grenades and stuff. So I decided to teach, the ‘evil step sister a lesson. Poor me, I’m doing this without a magic wand or even a fairy godmother.
So I began teasing her, ‘Ohh! He likes you’ and ‘he still got a crush on you’ and ‘OMG! He’s reaching you home n all haan!’ I kept going on and on and on, she was really enjoying it, and she thought I’d be hurt because he’s one of my best friends and he treats her like a princess and me like one of the guys, but I didn’t stop there.
Even when we reached our ‘adda’ (hangout) I went on and on and on. Now madame began to get uncomfortable, infact, she began to get embarrassed. You see, girls like her, love the attention the guys give them, but they hate to show the other guys, that something maybe on, between her and him. If the other guys come to know, they may stop hitting on her, and that makes her lose big points in the ‘attention craving’ game.
As usual, he offered to drop her, and I kept giggling, making it terribly obvious to the rest, that something was on here, and we parted on a friendly note, if you consider dagger looks friendly.
(I’m sure she’s gonna skin me alive tomorrow, but what the heck! I got sweet revenge, lol, couldn’t have been sweeter.)
You can’t imagine the limit to which people are willing to stoop just to make you feel low. I don’t know if they get some evil kick out of it, but they do it anyway.
Last night I was really mad at my friends, because they were worshipping this hot chic of the group, and I’m sure if she hung around longer they’d end up kissing her feet. So I didn’t meet them, and expected them to miss me. I’m not exactly the ugly ducking of the whole human female species, but I’m not Jennifer Lopez either. She on the other hand, is Angelina Jolie. She goes out of her way to wear minimal clothes ever when everyone else is shivering in the winter cold. I guess it takes a lotta trouble to look cheap and available, and she’s sure working hard at it. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’d turn up at a Christmas Party wearing a bikini, just so that the guys can ogle at her.
At this very moment, I hate hate her much more than most people I know, hate this guy:
Anyway, back to my friends (yes! My friends, were ‘my’ friends until ‘miss skimpy clothes’ came dancing along.). Under normal conditions, they’d call three hours in advance to find out if I’d be meeting them or not. I’m miss funny bones, God gifted me with quite a few of them which rattle turn by turn, making everyone else’s sides split laughing. But not yesterday! Oh no! Yesterday, they called me to find out if miss skimpy clothes would step out of the clouds like an angel and bless them all with little more show of “you know what”.
Aaaaarghrghrghrgh! I really lost my mind!
But that’s not where it ends. That miss no good goodie two shoes calls up, and I just made up a stupid excuse that I had had a migraine problem, and she reacts as if she is the most concerned person on this goddamn planet, and she’s die if something happened to me (Yeah! She’d die partying for sure). Not only that, but she called from MY BEST FRIEND’s cellphone . I could have ripped her apart limb from limb. I mean, she hadn’t even noticed him ever. I’m sure that was all because he wasn’t the cute sweetheart that he is now. Well, now she acts like they’re childhood friends.
I hate it when people get to your best friend just because that person is your best friend and they can get all the juicy stories out.
I really don’t feel like going back there, she’ll probably hug me and pretend that we met after seventeen thousand years (which would have been a very peaceful seventeen thousand years indeed). I guess I’ll stay home and work on my blog instead. The way things are going, I’ll definitely come up with many more “grumble” sessions in the near future!
