Non-Sprout

Stillborn Sprout

2009-06-11T07:08:00.000-07:00

Screaming and crying at the gates of heaven has never really helped much. The events of this year have pushed me into this filthy, moss covered refugee camp I like to call Non-Sprout.

I've thought it over a thousand times, and then a thousand more. If there's anything like a 'stillborn sprout of hope' its me. Let's do a neat brief recap of all the shitty shit-heads I've been through in life. I won't comment on my family. That's for God and me to to discuss. He doesn't like me dragging matters out into the open. "Honor your father and your mother, even if they're hanging you like a Christmas decoration by a noose, off a cliff", or the commandments go something like that.

Let's talk about my first love.
If love is supposed to make you deaf, dumb and blind, I was in ultra-love. Bullshit. Mom liked the boy, so I was brainwashed into liking him. Parents really screw your life up. This guy, together with his 'muh boli' sister (who wanted to get banged by him so bad) and her boyfriend, and the boyfriend's brother (who wanted to bang her so bad) messed up my life more than my parents did. Yeah, its friggin funny when you think it can't get worse, and it does, and it stares you in your face, poinks you in the nose a few times and says "See -> WORSE" !

Then came skimpy clothes princess.
Once you've been through relationship turbulance for a year and your entire college looks down upon you like you're the city slut, you're willing to give your life away to the first half-wit who shows the slightest signs of believing your 'misery ki daastaan'. Likewise.
By the time I understood that she was walking, stomping and wiping the crap stuck to the heels of her shoes, on me, it was too late. I had one dumb meserized friend, wagging his tail like a love sick rabid chihuahua behind her and everyone else kissing the ground she walked on. All thanks to me, of course!

Meanwhile 'boyfriend the second' was on the scene.
Once bitten, twice shy. No, I never learn. Second guy was a charm. I would have run away with him overnight. One problem - he friggin hated talking to me. That got on my nerves. Then there were other things that bothered me that are too personal to mention here. I may not have any life at all, but I still pretend to have privacy issues. You should also pretend that they're convincing issues.

'Boyfriend the third' is why someone coined the term "disaster management".
Disater management has a simple explanation. When you live in India, disasters exist; management is a myth. Much like the floods that swept Mumbai into a frenzy, he came and turned my life upside-down-downside-up and all the other possible directions you can imagine; all this effort just to get laid. Hah! (Get) Screw(ed by) you(?)! You wish!

Now, I stand at the point of nothingness where all I see is a stillborn sprout of hope. Hence the update. To make myself feel better, I shall go ruin a bot's day and improve my aim, so that I can pray that I can put it to some practical use and kill all these friggin excuses of existence, all but 'boyfriend the second'. He's getting married so I don't need to kill him.

..

2008-12-19T02:41:00.000-08:00

Cause when I'm with you,
I'm blacker than blue,
I'm bluer than sad,
I'm angrier than mad,
Blisterin in the rain,
Aching more than pain,
But does it matter to you?
Does it?
On this bright green, summer day.

Christmas.

2008-12-12T04:55:00.000-08:00

Its that time of the year again. Bells. Lights. Trees. Gifts. Santa. His red nosed employee. Marzipan. Fudge. Diabetes. Worm medicine. Tooth ache.

No typical Alice rant today. Its that time of the year, that compels the evil skimpy clothes princess to wear clothes. That means that I'm not mad at her. Yet I had to mention her, or my blog post would have an odd vacuum within it that would suck out all the enthusiasm of reading it. Wait, what enthusiasm?

Yes, its Christmas. Its the regular cold Christmas I have to suffer year after year. Warm wishes from cold people. Cold wishes from cold people. Bitchy looks from semi frozen blondes-with-black-hair. This much, is digestible. It changed two years ago. Christmas brought love. Last year, it took love away. This year, he might most probably be married by Christmas. The problem is, that this Christmas will be a blank Christmas. Not happy, not sad, just blank.

Why you ask? Why blank when there are so many people around, who love you? Simple - I don't love them back. Its easy for happy people to love. Its somewhat harder for sad people to love. Its close to impossible for blank people to love. We're talking major blankness here. We're talking about 'cat stuck in fish bowl' blank, '5 seconds after a wall along a Mumbai road is painted' blank, 'Paris Hilton in a kindergarten classroom' blank.

Joy can be spread. Sorrow shared. What do you do with a blank Christmas?
I look at people rush through shops hunting down the last good cardboard boxes to pack sweets in, fighting over dresses and shoes, putting up decorations. Ironically, "Blue Christmas" is playing in the background.

Softer Dreams

2008-11-02T19:28:00.000-08:00

Golden rays,
dazzled his teary eyes..
There was light,
There was light,
That filled every aching corner,
of the soft blue skies..

Enchanting sounds,
drifting through the air..
There was music,
There was music,
Blinding his senses,
Playing from the depths of nowhere..

Delicious somethings,
the banquet lay before him..
There was a feast,
There was a feast,
Food for every mood,
Drink for every whim..

Graceful creatures,
standing strong and tall..
There were women,
There were women,
In mystifying colors,
Of winter, spring and fall..

A cold wind blew,
deafened by chorusing screams..
Hurricane,
Hurricane,
He sat up in bed,
Praying for softer dreams..

Not over the edge today.

2008-10-26T02:59:00.000-07:00

Velvety green carpet,
Below my feet.
A sharp parapet,
Overlooking a busy street.

Climb up, they want me to
Climb up,
It’s a razor, cutting through my soul,
And my soles are bleeding,
Along the sides,
Running down to the tenth floor,
Ninth,
Eighth,
Sixth,
First,
Why is my heart beating?
While my soul is bleeding, to death.

Warm gusts of air,
Tangle locks of hair,
Splashing across my face,
With the burning rain,
From a black hole in space..

Walk along, they want me to
Walk along,
The same road, that wasted their spirit,
And my spirit is screaming,
Alone inside,
Screaming to priests,
Friends,
Lovers,
Angels,
Gods,
Vultures,
But nobody hears it,
Because it is wilting away, whimpering.

Hydrogen,
In my lungs,
Makes me feel,
Light as air,
And when the gas dies down,
I fall from the heavens,
Into a place,
Called nowhere.

Disoriented while sober,
High is a calming disease,
Or so they say,
In whispers,
Afraid of those, who wait,
Listen,
Complain,
Hate,
Detest,
Stalk,
To detain,
An innocent razor cut soul,
Trying to fill,
A black hole.

The good old days

2008-09-22T02:18:00.000-07:00

Do you miss the people and the places that made you smile? Everything always finds a way of reminding you of all the good things you had, that you let go of, or that let go of you. The worst thing about good times is that, when you are there, at that time, you do not realize that this will be a memorable moment in your life. You do not stop and think, "I'm gonna look back and miss these days, these people" because you only think it gets better from then on.

Miss 'no good skinny waist' finally made her return into my life; my much needed blog inspiration. She made it a point to tell all the people present, that they had lost weight, except me though. I suppose that was a casual mistake, she definitely didn't mean to miss complimenting me on purpose. As usual, the guys in the group began to suck up to her and tell her how fabulous she looked. Trust me, when you wear 'designer' clothes, designed by 'you', remember to wear the belt that was meant to go with it, because empty loops on either side of your kurta look lame. They look so lame, that it can be used as a comparison in the future, for instance one may say -- "OMG! She looked so lame with that hair-do, but not as lame as that girl, who wore her kurta without the belt, with those open loops on either side."

Image of the evil one:

Take notice of the slight malnutrition and the Chinese eyes. And she isn't even this pretty in real life :p

That aside, I realized that my time in the group was up. Everything in life has an expiry date. The shelf life of the good things that have come my way, make perishable goods seem everlasting. I cannot ignore the fact, that her entry into my life has kicked me back to my books. I just miss the good days.

Note : Body hugging clothes and sluttyness have the never exhausting capacity of turning desperate boys into vacuum cleaners (read: suck ups).

Re-sprouted

2008-09-20T20:08:00.000-07:00

Circumstances drove me away from my adorable darling, and now they drive me back to her. If I ever had a faithful fan following, I apologize for this lengthy period of neglect. If I didn't, THEN EVERYBODY ON THE PLANET SUCKS!
I guarantee much more regular updates, keeping my mental frustration in mind (literally).

Over the year, I've successfully earned myself a horrible reputation among those who actually respected me. Was it my fault? No, surprisingly, it wasn't. Come to think of it, it might be my fault partly.

This is a case of 'indirect judgmental reputation'. The subject in question, is seen with those members of society, who spend a good part of their lives drinking, smoking and mentioning the abbreviation of 'fornicating under (the) consent (of the) King', at every available opportunity, which usually varies from once in every 5 words, to once in every 3.

Its a pity. The elders need to work on the variety section, when it comes to showing their disapproval, which is currently restricted to 'frown' and 'grunt'. How boring! By the time I reach that stage of utmost boredom, they had better come up with something innovative, or I shall flatly refuse to age.

All that set aside, my personality (miraculously have one) refuses to fit in, anywhere. I feel like the inhabitants of Moron Mountain, in Space Jam. The only difference is that they were four morons, and I'm a four-in-one moron. If given a choice, I wouldn't mind staying at a place named Moron Mountain. My kinda people, my kinda place. I might ever win the elections. The problem is, that I am far, far away from Moron Mountain, and I don't even know where it is, and I'm too proud to ask for directions.

Hence, the mental frustration mentioned in the first paragraph.
On the bright side, I now have a display picture. Glory Glory, Hallelujah!

I was thinking of adding a few flowers and butterflies for company, but the hand refused to share the limelight.

Notable Websites

2007-08-06T11:19:00.000-07:00

Theme: "Poo"

Name: Rate My Poo
Address: www.ratemypoo.com
Description:
Pictures regarding the 'subject' have been put up for display, for viewers and visitors to rate.

Name: Official Doggie Poo World Site
Address: www.doggypooworld.com
Description:
Story about doggie poo left by a road side. 'Subject matter' is confused about its purpose in life, until a dandelion helps him discover his true purpose of existence and helps his dreams come true. Very cute, if you're into animal droppings.

Name: POO PRICE - How much is your poo worth?
Address: www.pooprice.com
Description:
A site that helps you calculate the worth of your 'subject matter', depending on the time you take to do it. It also has a membership system, where you sign up for free, and get to keep a record, of past 'subject matters' worth. An amazing site, if you have future career plans in this, or any similar field.

Name: eatpoo.com
Address: www.eatpoo.com
Description:
Not remotely related to the 'subject matter', besides the name. Has an active forum, a gallery and even a 'contact' page. The link page has been written in invisible ink, that "Ctrl + A" (select all) doesn't help either. Currently has 682 members, proud to be part of 'eatpoo'..

Desparate Housewives?

2007-07-02T23:06:00.000-07:00

Hell hath no fury,
Like a woman scorned..

Gone are the days, when women took a beating and wept away in some tiny corner of the kitchen, (the only object bearing the brunt of their anger and hate, being the vegetables, which would get chopped more brutally than usual, for the next meal).
I've always found it quite amusing, to see all the creative ways women find to take revenge on whoever or whatever stung them. Wives tend to give it real bad. Here are some real life incidents that have left quite a few in splits, except the men in question, and their lovers..

When a lady in Birmingham found out that her husband was cheating on her, with her best friend, she put up a billboard for thousands of passers by to enjoy.
The poster reads: 'To my "dear husband" Mark and my "best friend Shelley", You are the most despicable, deceitful people I have ever met.
I know what you did and I'm disgusted. I've changed the locks Mark, burnt your clothes and emptied OUR joint account - to pay for this poster. You deserve each other.'

Another woman found out about her husband's extra marital affair and subjected his underpants to generous dose of itching powder, before she left him for good!

Looks like its gonna be Powerpuff Girls all the way ;)
Beware cheating husbands, or you'll won't know what hit you'll...

Nursery Rhyme

2007-06-21T20:06:00.000-07:00

Twinkle toes, twinkle toes,
Stretch your fingers,
Wiggle your nose,
Run around like a silly duck,
Smell the flowers,
But don't you pluck!
Find a box and tumble in,
Tumble out,
And all about.

If you read this,
N you're above 3,
You get a mental check up -
FREE!

(I was not drunk, just overdosing on stupidity)

Thought

2007-05-28T08:24:00.000-07:00

I thought about a thought,
that I thought a while ago,
I thought that that's a thought,
that I should really let you know,
so I think I'll write the thought,
and make all the thinkers think,
but the thought that I was thinking,
just went flowing down the sink....

:|

Things that make me go - duh!!!!

2007-05-23T23:43:00.001-07:00

Case I:
(New group member arrives at group meeting place)
(Sees me and his friend talking)

NGM: What! You called me here, and only she has come! Where is everyone else???

Me: (undoubtedly offended) Oh wow! I'm flattered... (sarcastic tone)

NGM: (surprised) No no! Don't be flattered and all..

Me: (duh! leaves)

Case II:
(Friend meeting after two years, friend has long hair)

Me: Why do you tie your hair?

He: So that people around me don't get jealous...

Me: Then why don't you just cut it off?

He: Err.... Umm.... Coz I want people to get jealous of my long hair...

Me: You just contradicted your own statement.

He: Its because, I'm having these hallucinations off late....

Me: Don't you mean 'short term memory loss' ?

He: Err... same thing

Me: :| (duh!)

Big Date : True Story Revealed!

2007-05-12T10:46:00.000-07:00

Haha!
Breaking news about the big date!

I take great pleasure in revealing the truth of the whole matter, to my ever faithful audience :)

She said: He asked me out!
Truth: She asked him out..

She said: He has been asking me out since a very long time..
Truth: Thats the first time the date topic was ever discussed.

She said: I canceled the date because it was the last date of my college admission.
Truth: She asked him to accompany her to college, since she had to submit her form, but he didn't wanna go, so he canceled the date !

This news has been verified by reliable sources and PeaBrain himself..

PeaBrain has gone underground for security reasons, since his life maybe in grave danger for making a COMPLETE FOOL OUTTA NUTCASE!

Nut Case was not available for comment, since she had gone to get braces fixed!

For more breaking news,
of no concern to you or anyone else on this planet,
stay tunned :p

The Big Date!

2007-05-08T00:19:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I decided to get back to being nice to my dear dear blog inspiration (read as: ex-best bitchy friend), so I called her up, and we began our random chit-chat good for nothing conversations.
(Somehow, I'm in a 'conversation-typing' mood off late)

Character list:
Nut Case (pain-in-the-ass) = My 'best' friend
Pea Brain = Guy who asked her out
Me = Blog Writer (like you wouldn't know)

Nut Case: (with perfectly fake enthusiasm) OMG! Hi! Where have you been? Very busy and all, haan?

Me: (with much more perfectly fake enthusiasm) Oh! Nothing much, I've been busy (yeah right), playing and enjoying vacation and all..

Nut Case: (disappointed) Oh..... Okay...... You know what! 'Pea Brain' actually asked me out!

Me: (in utter disbelief) No way!

Nut Case: (gloating with pride) Yeah he did, he has been asking me out since so long, but I kept refusing him, you know, I've been so busy with work and the shifts have been so tiring, but it looks bad to keep refusing na like that, so I thought I'll go out with him...

Me: Yeah....

Nut Case: (flying on cloud nine) Its nothing much actually, we're just going to Bandra, or maybe we'll go to a shopping mall, or Cafe Coffee Day, the one by the beach....
Then later, we might just sit on the beach and talk, you know, the casual stuff....

Me: Yeah and...

Nut Case: (excitedly) and you know, that beach is so famous! We might even see a few film stars there! I'm so excited....

Me: Oh wow! (duh!)

Nut Case: (blushing uncontrollably) and you know what he said??

Me: err... no. What did he say?

Nut Case: (flying again) He said, that we won't travel by train, because he wants to see me all the time, and if we travel by train, then for one hour, he will be in the gents compartment, and I will be in the ladies na.... so he won't get to look at me, can you believe he said that! I was so embarrassed! (giggle giggle)

Me: Wow! He's really head over heels....

Nut Case: Oh! I'm getting another call, I'll call you in a while.... bye!

Me: Bye..

(two days later - Saturday - day of the date)
(my phone rings)

Me: Hello

Nut Case: (excitedly) HI!

Me: (damn!) Oh! Hi Nut Case.....

Nut Case: (giggles) Hi!

Me: You didn't come out yesterday? We expected you to be there...

Nut Case: Oh I was out shopping, I bought this new pair of corduroy pants, but the shade was too light, so it wouldn't go with anything, so I went to exchange them....

Me: Oh ok ok! Cool.. Sooooo you exchanged them?

Nut Case: Ya ya! You know what?

Me: Nope.....

Nut Case: He called up again, to confirm, if we were still going out!

Me: Wow!

Nut Case: He said Bandra would be too far, so we'll go someplace close...

Me: Oh (trying not to sound very disinterested) So you decided what you're gonna wear?

Nut Case: No No! This isn't a date or anything, I'll just pick something up from the cupboard and wear.... (yeah sure you will)
You know, he called up last night, from his friend's cell! His battery was low...
And he called in the morning also!

Me: Oh wow!

Nut Case: I thought I'll just call up and tell you, since you seemed really inquisitive....

Me: (wtf!) I sounded inquisitive???!

Nut Case: (matter-of-fact type tone) Yeah, so I just thought I'd tell you....

Me: (very bluntly) I wasn't inquisitive.....

Nut Case: Hey I gotta go now, I'll call back later, chal bye, take care....

Me: Bye
(drops dead)

Note to readers: Its Tuesday, the date hasn't happened yet......

Blog Entry Murdered by Breakfast

2007-04-28T20:14:00.000-07:00

As I woke up today, I had this wonderful idea, or rather this perfectly planned blog entry that I'd like to put up on the internet. I lay in bed thinking for around 5-10 minutes, and once everything was in place, I got up, and began to type at break neck speed. Now I know its rude, not to go out and say your goodmornings, and brush your teeth and do the bed as soon as you wake up, but you cannot let an inspiration like that just get lost, because you had to follow some sad, boring daily routine. Anyway, as I opened Notepad, my mom walked in. My mom talks a lot (believe me), not the gossip-talk, just the normal talk-talk. So she began asking about stuff, here's mostly what the conversation went like:
(note: my mom loves to cook)

Me: (type type type type)
Mom:You woke up?
Me: (type stop) Yeah, goodmorning ma. (type type)
Mom: What will you have for breakfast?
Me: (type type stop again) Anything will do. (type type)
Mom: Fruit?
Me: (type type stop) Yea. (type type)
Mom: But bananas are over.
Me: (type type stop) (in shock, since bananas are my staple diet) Then what else is there? (type type)
Mom: Sweet lime?
Me: (type type stop) They're raw (type type stop) Mom, can I just finish typing something here, before I forget? It won't take long. (type type)
Mom: Ya ya, sure, but tell me what you'll eat, or when you're hungry, you'll start eating my brains.
Me: (type type stop) I'll eat anything mom, I'll think lil later. (type type)
Mom: You want soup?
Me: (type type stop) Yup, but no pepper or garlic. Too heaty. (type type)
Mom: But you won't like it without pepper and garlic, thats what gives it the taste .
Me: (type type stop again! argh!) Okay, put. (type type)
Mom: Then what else will you eat after that?
Me: (type type stop, sigh) Anything will do ma. (type type)
Mom: But you can't have soup all day!
Me: (type type stop) Yes I can! (type type)
Mom: No, you think and tell me now.
Me: (type type stop)
(can't think of anything beyond blog topic)
(takes mind off the topic and tries to concentrates on food)
(manages to remove topic completely from mind)
(realizes that topic is gone, erased, deleted from brain)
(damn!)
(mumbles to self angrily)
(gets up)
(goes and eats semi-raw sweet lime and watches TV)

~THE END~

The Whatever Files: Summer Edition

2007-04-25T22:47:00.000-07:00

Summer has razed my enthusiastic holiday spirit to the ground. I think it has had amusing effects on my groupmates as well, since everyone is being extra nice to me off late. Undoubtedly, they're suffering from fried brain syndrome.

My favorite "inspirational" best friend has stopped talking to me, without prior notice, or any showdown, which was much expected. She continues to stick to my best friends, which (sadly,) no longer effects me much. She also tried (in vain) to get the guys to accompany her to a super-cool disco in the city. Surprisingly, the offer was ignored by all, except the guy who will sell his soul to the devil for her. I haven't seen much of her in the past two weeks, which indicates, that I may live a normal hate free life from now on (which will be boring for all my faithful blog readers, since I won't be spewing hot molten magma all over the place).

I seem to have lost my "bad luck" charm somewhere, and I've moved heaven and earth looking for it, but as you see, I haven't found it yet. When I do, you'll will be the first to know (trust me).

A new girl has gained membership into our group, and she keeps the boys very happy. We shall not dive into any details as yet. So far, things have been going smoothly between us, lets hope for the best.
I have been recording random recordable conversations, since I finally have something that can record sounds without a persistent hissing in the background.

I haven't melted too much body fat, as planned earlier. I have tanned two shades darker. I have a big red pimple on my forehead, and my head hurts real bad.

I am planning on going on a protest against the atrocities of summer, but no one seems too keen on joining my little campaign.

I leave now, to fight heat, dust and find a new inspiration for my blog.
~ Njoy

A Sad Story - Part 2

2007-04-17T21:42:00.000-07:00

Days turned to weeks, and weeks to years. She tried each and every day, hoping and wishing, he would notice her. She tried to become like her cousins, they were all boys. She thought, being more like them, would bring her closer to him. She didn't mix with people. She didn't go for parties. She stayed home, all her life, waiting for him. The yellow bucket was broken, the spade washed away with the tides, but he still didn't know she was there. With time, her hopes drifted away too.

A day came, when she finally gave up. Now when she saw him, laugh and play, she didn't want to be with him, she didn't want to know him, she didn't want to have ever known him. He, on the other hand, completely forgot she existed. He was drawn into his own world, of money and enjoyment, she was an insignificant speck in the background, that didn't deserve his attention.
She studied well, won and lost in life, without him by her side.

She went from school to college, made new friends, moved on with life and she had a happy life. She did not need to spend her days crying for him anymore.

And then one day, he came to her. He sat down, he wanted to talk.

He said:
What have I done to deserve this? Why do you'll treat me this way? I work day in day out, to keep you'll happy. When have I ever made anything less for you? You never talk to me, don't you know I live in the same house?

He was crying.
She starred blankly at him. She didn't cry, she didn't speak.
He realized that she didn't know him, she didn't recognize him.
Her father left the room.
As he closed the door behind him, a tear dropped from her eye.
She wiped it away, opened her book and began to write -
and she wrote, a sad story......

A Sad Story - Part One

2007-04-17T10:34:00.000-07:00

(sometime around 1990)

She sat there in the sand, with her bright yellow plastic bucket. She saw him play cricket with his nephews in a distance. She waited for him to come and make sand castles with her, but he never came. She filled the bucket over and over again, waiting and watching. She didn't want to give up, because everyone said that she should try and try till she succeeds. The sun began to set. The game was over. It was time to return home. He came and told her to get up and gather the spade and the bucket. He was laughing and joking with her cousins, in their native language, which she did not understand. She would learn someday, so that she could laugh and joke with him too.
She tagged along, sad - that she failed again, but there's always tomorrow, she said in her mind, as she tried to keep up with them.

The next day, she woke up early, but he was already gone. She waited impatiently for him to return, running to the door, everytime she heard the gate. He returned with her cousins. He only wished her and went in, ate lunch, and went out with her cousins again. Her cousins were about her age, she wondered why he never spoke to her like he spoke to them. But she would spend time with him in the evening. Come evening and she tagged along with him to the beach. Once again he left her in the sand, with the bright yellow bucket and her red spade. He played all evening, and like every other day, the sun set, and they went home.

The pattern repeated everyday, until her vacation was over. She went back to the city, to education, to life on the fast track. On a normal day, he would be too busy to spend time with her. But she wanted to spend time with him, to talk to him, to get to know him better - and she wouldn't give up.
She studied hard, so that she would be an achiever, maybe that way, she could get his attention. While others wasted their time with immature games and fun, she studied, and yes, he was impressed, but for a short while. Then it was gone again. It was Sunday again, and he would go to meet her cousins. She begged him to take her along, but he wouldn't hear of it. She tried to throw a tantrum, but it didn't work. It never worked.
The year passed by, the results were out and like every other year, she got the highest in the family. He was happy for her, or so it seemed. They visited their native place, and the story on the beach remained the same. So after he played a few games of cards with her cousins, she went upto him and asked him to play with her, but he said he was tired. She understood. There's always tomorrow. She would try again, but still, she cried, quietly at night.
The next day, her cousins came over again. They were playing badminton. She wanted to play too! She watched in awe, as he never missed a single shot. Finally, her cousin grew tired. Yes!! Now's my chance! She ran up to him and asked if she could have his racket.

She wanted to play, but when she came, he handed the racket over to her cousin and said he was tired. He left. She was heart broken.

But she wouldn't give up! There's always tomorrow, she thought, and yet, she cried at night, when she was alone....

Revenge of Scum of the Universe - Coming soon

2007-03-27T00:18:00.000-07:00

There are sooo many evil, cruel, inhuman things we can do to the evil, cruel, inhuman people we know, who do evil, cruel, inhuman things to people (like us), who only think about doing evil, cruel, inhuman things to them (whew).

In the beginning, (this is not a fairy tale) when my "best friend" used to do all the unbearably "nice" and "helpful" things for me, I used to forgive her, hoping she would grow up someday. Kids are immature, and some of them never really grow out of their immaturity (ever), and need (rather crave) attention to help them feel secure. (ho-hum)

You know, maybe if I was a psychiatrist, I might have given a sensible, rational (not to forget utterly boring) lecture like that, but I'm not - so, in recent times, like that episode where I threw her in that awkward position, I haven't been forgiving her, and it hasn't gone unnoticed.

Hmmm, my object of concern (is her obviously, but still read ahead) is that, she hasn't tried any new tactics off late. She has stuck to her "be-wolf-in-sheep's-clothing" routine. Oh lemme explain the "be-wolf-in-sheep's-clothing" routine (for those who are visiting this place for the first time) :

"be-wolf-in-sheep's-clothing" Tactic 1:
Show false concern for "victim" (me me me me me) in front of friends.

"be-wolf-in-sheep's-clothing" Tactic 2:
Dress like a whore. Works like magic.

"be-wolf-in-sheep's-clothing" Tactic 3:
Interrupt (rather disrupt) any conversation, between "victim" and her friends whom you want to grab.

"be-wolf-in-sheep's-clothing" Tactic 4:
Embarrass "victim" about her lack of knowledge about make-up, (unreasonably expensive) brands, shoes, clothes, shopping malls, shopping malls, shopping malls and shopping malls.

"be-wolf-in-sheep's-clothing" Tactic 5:
Always act "innocently" dumb, so that the guys find your dumbness greater than their dumbness, hence making them feel better about themselves.

Now back to the topic. She has not done something cruel and new off late. (Now you would say, "Isn't that a GOOD THING??". Then I'd say, "DIE DUMBO" and it would go on like that forever.) I won't believe she has run out of cruel creativity, but I'm a bit worried .... make that.. I'm scared half to death wondering what she is gonna come up with! Its like the calm before the storm, like that part in the movie "volcano" where everything goes death quiet, and then molten lava ends up frying half the city's population to a crisp. Yeah! thats exactly what I'm talking about...

All I can do is wait and watch, for my inspiration to the next blog to come along.

(I know the ending sucks, but I'm suffering from "huh-what-to-write-now" attacks due to extra stress, I wonder whats stressing me out ....)

Scum of the universe !

2007-02-15T10:14:00.000-08:00

The sweetest of human species and the sickest of human species come under the same category - girls for sure! I don't get it with these weird creatures, there's nothing human about them (the sick ones, I mean), they're goddamn parasites that sink they're teeth on the actually human female species and even manage to make it look good.

Plagues, leprosy, even AIDS may get eradicated by miraculous breakthroughs in science and medicine, but even a nuclear disaster can't rid this planet of those parasitic bitches. (all ye female dogs, no offence meant)

Yes, tis another session of 'bitch about my favorite bitchiest bitch (er... sorry I menat best) friend'.

This time, she played her cards so well, I didn't even know what hit me, how it hit me, when it hit me (yeah, but I do know why it hit me, its beacuse I'm a freaking soft hearted moron who falls for sad, stupid, fake stories and crocodile tears, and uselessly good at heart) but it hit me, and it hit me good!
I had begun to avoid her (successfully) but she needed me to get back on the scene (and into the guys' good books). So she acted her usual cheap lowlife self, and went and complained to one of the guys in the group, (who takes most of her nonsense like it were dew from heaven) about me avoiding her, and not telling her about group meetings abd stuff like that (group meetings sounds all flashy and fancy and all, but I don't wnt to make us sound like the complete lifeless losers that we are), and avoiding her calls, etc etc etc.

Now I remember telling her quite clearly, that I would give her a missed call when I left to meet our friends, and when I left, I gave her a missed call, and she even missed called back, (kinda acknowledged my missed call kinda thing) and we landed at the rendezvous point, an she was her usual sulky sympathy seeking leechy self, and it wasn't working in her favour (for a change).

So this guy comes and tells me all about it the next morning (today) and I be miss goodie two shoes and call her up n talk nice n sweetly to her, and make up etc etc. but I was mad as hell, as mad as 'Loony' without 'Toons', as mad as 'Dexter' without 'Lab', as mad as Chapell and Ganguly must be at each other.

So I have this real good guy friend in our group (no there isn't anything cooking between us) so I decided to tell him my side of the story, and he completely takes her side. He even goes ahead to compliment the way she dresses (she dresses like a s***, believe me, if she could show more than she already does, she would shamelessly). But what the heck, he's a guy, and the fewer the clothes, the more the popularity & sympathy & fame. He even went ahead and told me that she is only insecure, and thats why she behaves like that, (yeah, maybe she got clothophobia - or some unidentified allergy to morals - or maybe the black hole sucked up her conscience when she was born) and that I should help her with that. (poooh!)

Bottom line: She stole one of my best friends from me, she is gonna pay !

By the way...........
Morals of the story:
Wear fewer clothes to gain public sympathy.
Morals belong with the dodos and T-Rex.

Sweet Revenge :

2007-01-16T08:06:00.000-08:00

Do you know why the ‘evil step sisters’ always get away with the crap they put ‘sweet innocent’ little girls like us through, without a scratch? Its because, we’re always too busy being sweet and innocent.

My (so called) ‘best friend’ loves to brag; right from shoes to bags to clothes to fancy restaurants to fancier guys in her life. And she makes it a point to make sure that I feel ugly, lifeless, worthless and useless. I’ve always longed to get back at her, one way or the other, but in the end I always end up being the sweetheart that I am and forgiving her.
(A better explanation would be, I don’t have what it takes to stand up to her and say, “You’re a bitch, you goddamn bitch! You wouldn’t mind sleeping with the milkman if he’d give you a discount of 5 bucks per litre! I wouldn’t even run you over with my tricycle, because my tricycle wouldn’t wanna touch you with the end of a sticky stick!”)

The problem was, that she made me feel miserable so well, that no one but another girl, could tell, that she’s doing it on purpose.

Today was a regular day, when she began to blow her big fat stinky trumpet, about this hot guy in college, who everyone else wants to date, but he showers her with all the attention in the world. (Yeah I’ve seen this guy, and if you’d ask my opinion, I’d rather date Brutus from the Popeye Show.) And she began going ‘paa-paaa-paaaa’ about this sweet guy from our group, (who had a major, huge, big time crush on her, and I suppose he still does) and he dropped her home last night, and even offered to pick her up everyday, (since madame lives on mount Everest and has to scale ice clad mountains to get to our meeting place and back home *sheeesh*)

[Okay, a little fact file, background information time: The guy in question is a pet, but he, like most guys, has fallen in head over heels in love with her. I guess its because its of her ‘inner’ beauty, little of which is on display everyday, yes even in this shivering cold season of winter. And I know that she is just using him as a means of transport, and the moment she gets better transportation facilities, she’ll dump him and jump onto the next fancy ride available.]

Now that kinda ticked me off. You see, as long as someone messes around with my tinee winee brain, its ok, no issues, my brain is all your to play around with, the worst I can do is run off crying. BUT! When anyone, and I mean ANYONE, messes around with my friends, I’m all up in arms, with grenades and stuff. So I decided to teach, the ‘evil step sister a lesson. Poor me, I’m doing this without a magic wand or even a fairy godmother.
So I began teasing her, ‘Ohh! He likes you’ and ‘he still got a crush on you’ and ‘OMG! He’s reaching you home n all haan!’ I kept going on and on and on, she was really enjoying it, and she thought I’d be hurt because he’s one of my best friends and he treats her like a princess and me like one of the guys, but I didn’t stop there.
Even when we reached our ‘adda’ (hangout) I went on and on and on. Now madame began to get uncomfortable, infact, she began to get embarrassed. You see, girls like her, love the attention the guys give them, but they hate to show the other guys, that something maybe on, between her and him. If the other guys come to know, they may stop hitting on her, and that makes her lose big points in the ‘attention craving’ game.
As usual, he offered to drop her, and I kept giggling, making it terribly obvious to the rest, that something was on here, and we parted on a friendly note, if you consider dagger looks friendly.

(I’m sure she’s gonna skin me alive tomorrow, but what the heck! I got sweet revenge, lol, couldn’t have been sweeter.)

The evil skimpy clothes empress

2007-01-04T01:10:00.000-08:00

You can’t imagine the limit to which people are willing to stoop just to make you feel low. I don’t know if they get some evil kick out of it, but they do it anyway.

Last night I was really mad at my friends, because they were worshipping this hot chic of the group, and I’m sure if she hung around longer they’d end up kissing her feet. So I didn’t meet them, and expected them to miss me. I’m not exactly the ugly ducking of the whole human female species, but I’m not Jennifer Lopez either. She on the other hand, is Angelina Jolie. She goes out of her way to wear minimal clothes ever when everyone else is shivering in the winter cold. I guess it takes a lotta trouble to look cheap and available, and she’s sure working hard at it. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’d turn up at a Christmas Party wearing a bikini, just so that the guys can ogle at her.

At this very moment, I hate hate her much more than most people I know, hate this guy:

Anyway, back to my friends (yes! My friends, were ‘my’ friends until ‘miss skimpy clothes’ came dancing along.). Under normal conditions, they’d call three hours in advance to find out if I’d be meeting them or not. I’m miss funny bones, God gifted me with quite a few of them which rattle turn by turn, making everyone else’s sides split laughing. But not yesterday! Oh no! Yesterday, they called me to find out if miss skimpy clothes would step out of the clouds like an angel and bless them all with little more show of “you know what”.

Aaaaarghrghrghrgh! I really lost my mind!

But that’s not where it ends. That miss no good goodie two shoes calls up, and I just made up a stupid excuse that I had had a migraine problem, and she reacts as if she is the most concerned person on this goddamn planet, and she’s die if something happened to me (Yeah! She’d die partying for sure). Not only that, but she called from MY BEST FRIEND’s cellphone  . I could have ripped her apart limb from limb. I mean, she hadn’t even noticed him ever. I’m sure that was all because he wasn’t the cute sweetheart that he is now. Well, now she acts like they’re childhood friends.

I hate it when people get to your best friend just because that person is your best friend and they can get all the juicy stories out.

I really don’t feel like going back there, she’ll probably hug me and pretend that we met after seventeen thousand years (which would have been a very peaceful seventeen thousand years indeed). I guess I’ll stay home and work on my blog instead. The way things are going, I’ll definitely come up with many more “grumble” sessions in the near future!

The Whatever Files

2007-01-02T23:56:00.000-08:00

Life is so annoyingly crappy at times, it makes me so sick that I feel like going out and killing someone’s cat. And when life begins to get slightly crappy, everything else that doesn’t need to contribute goes ahead and makes a million dollar donation to make it crappier!

I don’t know what crappy exactly means. Its some philosophy of something I made up in my head. My philosophies make sense to three people in this whole wide world; I, me and myself. Yes they are three people, three people the world gives a damn about and I love the most. I wasn’t a complete “me” freak since the time I was born. I was a nice little helpful butterfly, flitting around the place, being nice to people. At that time I actually believed that good things always happen to good people. Good things began happening to me only when I went rotten.

People come up with a million philosophies a year, I could come up with a million philosophies a second. The only difference is, that their philosophies make sense to 1/5th of the planet, and then, 1/5th of that 1/5th of the planet ends up including 1/9th of the influential part of the planet, and so that lucky fool ends up becoming rich overnight. On the other hand, 2/3rd of myself begins to contradict the 1/3rd of myself that came up with some philosophy. In short, my philosophies aren’t worth any pondering.

Now that I’m done with the introduction, and I’m sure you’ve managed to guess what state of mind I am in at the moment. I suppose I can start raving and ranting about how miserable my life is, and justify my becoming a serial killer in the future.

I read “Catcher in the Rye” the other day, I haven’t finished it yet, but it’s a good book. Its about this boy, Holden Caulfield who flunks in a hell lotta subjects (except for English) and gets kicked out of school. Instead of heading home like all good ducklings do, he decides to take a little tour around the city. The book is mostly about his journey and the people he meets along the way, but what caught my attention was this one word – “phony”. Holden hates phonies and keeps criticizing them whenever possible, but ends up dating one crappy female named Sally, who gets all sentimental over nonsense.
I remember this one time he tells her that she’s a pain in the ass and she begins to cry tank fulls (yeah tank fulls not bucket fulls. Man! Can she cry!) I’d have punched the guy in his nose, emptied a glass of milkshake on his head and stormed off. But she just cries. Duh!

Fake people with fake laughs and smile and care and concern make me sick to the last intestine. Guys aren’t too fake, well most guys I’ve met are too dumb to be fake. But girls! Oh my! I suppose we’re just born talented. We can make a vulture believe it’s a swan for goodness sake. We don’t usually do it, we do it when there’s a very good reason, say loads of gifts, expensive parties, bike rides, blah and blah and blah.

That explains why I never managed to get a guy in college. They loved the girls who’d make them feel like Tom Cruise or Ben Affleck or even Hritick Roshan. If I was a guy and someone called me Hritik Roshan, I’d burn her alive and get a plastic surgery done (on me ofcourse). But the guys really fell for that stuff. Infact, they still do. Like yesterday, I was out with my usual group, and my ultra glamorous friend shows up wearing ultra glamorous clothes and with her hair left so that she looks like some hot hotty, whatever that means, and the guys suddenly forget that I even existed. I’m not heart broken or anything, but their stupidity never fails to amaze (and amuse) me.

Beauty and brains never go hand in hand. Dumb girls are always gorgeous, and the sensible ones walk around looking like “behenjis” or half dead zombie like creatures, but there are a few exceptions, like Sushmita Sen. Now she’s all brain and a hell lotta beauty. But I’m not dumb, and I’m not an exception either, I’m on my way to the zombie look, but that may take a while. The major hurdle between me and the zombie look is parents. YES! Parents. My mom (like all other moms) wants me to look pretty in pink and lace and weird girlie dresses. My dad desperately wants me to wear salwars. And I wanna look half dead.

I have successfully managed to take another topic off track, and I’m feeling much better so my raving and ranting ends here.

In the end, I’d like to thank my glamorous friend for being such a bitch, and the guys of my group for being her motivation of bitchyness. I’d also like to thank L’Oreal for creating a wonderful haircolor so that she can show off. I’d like to thank my mom for making me wear weird clothes yesterday, God for bad weather and Microsoft Corporation for creating Microsoft Word so that I can write cranky stuff (with automatic spell check) till kingdom come. Hope your day goes better than mine. Ciao :)